Two years ago on November 1st, I had a pregnancy loss. I was exactly 12 weeks in and so excited for what the future holds. Thinking of what we would name that sweetie, imagining who's eyes it would have, what kind of hair, how I would rock him or her to sleep, feeling your body grow a little human, going through those crazy nauseous days (allll day, not just mornings), thinking about how we would go on errands together, and just thinking about holding that little babe in your arms so close to your heart, all gone...so fast. It was so hard to wrap my head around the fact that our baby was not with us anymore. It was in a much better place, in God's arms. A place much safer than mine or my husbands will ever be.
I felt negative and thought about a lot of 'what if's' with that pregnancy. I guess I just felt something was wrong. When it happened, we went to the emergency room and I had an ultra sound. This was the first ultrasound I've had. Their was no black dot where the baby was supposed to be. The tech said I looked 6 weeks. They didn't tell me much after that, didn't even mention that it's probably a miscarriage, but I knew what was happening. Maybe if I've had an ultrasound earlier we would find the problem. I later was browsing through the internet and found out I had a blighted ovum (I believe). That is when the baby stops developing because of some problem but your body is still pregnant until it realizes it's not. That's why it looked like I was 6 weeks along. But I'm glad I got to spend that time being pregnant even though it didn't last. It got me ready for my second pregnancy and I though about it so much more different. I'm not glad I had the loss but I know everything happens for a reason and trust that God knows best and I'm so happy He has my life in His hands. Who's hands are better than God's? Through all the pain happening, I was still somehow in a good spirit and managed to have a humor when I wasn't contracting. My mom and husband were with me and I'm so glad they were by my side. My mom knew what was happening but she kept me positive. I'm tearing up a bit now because I never really got my words out about this all. I can't believe how strong God has kept me. He is so great and wonderful.
After we left the hospital on our way home, I was so calm, and weirdly happy. It's unexplainable why because I was not happy that I wasn't pregnant anymore. I now realize I was happy about God's will being done. I was truly at peace. I remember experiencing my first true peace when I asked God into my heart. I had a good sleep that night :) Even through this mournful time, I was good because God is good. I found my unexplainable peace in Jesus Christ and He is the only true comforter.
Of course I had tough days but it's so much easier with Jesus. I knew He had the baby in his hands. Two months later, I was reading John 14 when Jesus was comforting His disciples and told them "I will do whatever you ask in my name". That's when I really understood what it means to pray to God in Jesus's name. Because it's through Jesus we know God.
"Jesus answered, "I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." John 14:6
I read a chapter a day and for three days in a row, I read about Jesus saying whatever you ask, ask in His name and He will give it to you. Those three nights I asked God, in Jesus's name, to give us a baby if it was His will. And we got pregnant that same month! God just gave us blessing after blessing even though we definitely did not deserve it. Even little things, like the day after our loss, we went to turn in my medical papers. The line was insanely long, but someone gave us their number and we got done in two minutes. Praise God even through the little things.
I had a new perspective on my new pregnancy. I am too busy now to remember that day because God blessed us with this sweet little girl. No matter Gods plan for her, we will trust Him no matter what and thank Him for every minute we have with her! If we wouldn't have had a baby, I'm sure it would have been harder to deal with my loss. Some of you may not even be able to have children and it's not easy. But I know you can find your true peace and hope in Jesus Christ, the only one who truly gives it. Go to Him, He is waiting with open arms. Ask Him into your heart and I guarantee you will have true peace.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
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